


What it feels like for a girl

by vinterdrog



Category: Social Network (2010)
Genre: Genderswap, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-11-11
Updated: 2011-11-11
Packaged: 2017-11-03 18:49:57
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,988
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/384672
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vinterdrog/pseuds/vinterdrog
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Mark is a girl, and people can see this, but sometimes it feels like she’s the only one who knows this.</p>
            </blockquote>





	What it feels like for a girl

**Author's Note:**

> Lots of love and thanks to my brilliant beta [](http://elefante-locura.livejournal.com/profile)[**elefante_locura**](http://elefante-locura.livejournal.com/) , who did a fantastic job!

Mark is a girl. Mark is a girl, and people can see this, but sometimes it feels like she’s the only one who _knows_ this.

She’s not oblivious to the world around her. She’s not incapable of social interaction, she just chooses not to do it. Because people sees her as a girl, and they expect certain things from her, they expect her to interact in a way they’d never expect Dustin or Chris or Eduardo or anyone with a dick between their legs interact. And if people are going to be disappointed in her being herself – which is, not very girly – then why the hell bother at all? So she doesn’t.

But she knows how to do it, if she needs to, and she doesn’t know why this comes as a surprise to people because yes, sure, she codes, a lot, but she doesn’t actually live in a cave? She knows that people get annoyed with her and her careless attitude, but she doesn’t _care_. She knows that people get hurt, and don’t understand her humor, and whatever. But she is a human being, and she feels like she deserves a little bit more credit than what Dustin is giving her right now.

They’re on the couch, Mark with her laptop in her, well, lap, and Dustin is watching _Jurassic Park_ and rambling on about his girlfriend who just broke up with him, after a relationship of almost two months, which is kind of a record for Dustin. Mark is listening (she’s always listening), and this time she actually has a relevant reply, because her sister was moaning about her boyfriend doing exactly what Dustin’s done just this summer, so she says,  
“You should apologize.”

Dustin stops, mid-sentence, and stares at her. “What?”

“You should apologize”, Mark repeats.

“Why?”

“Because you were wrong.”

“And you would know all about that, Miss _Fuck off, I don’t care_ ”, Dustin agrees. Mark really wants to say _fuck off_ , but that would prove Dustin’s right, and she doesn’t want to go there.

“Yeah, well, I have a boyfriend”, she replies instead, because it’s true, and as if on cue, Eduardo enters the suite.

“What’s up?” he asks and drops down on the couch between them. He leans over to kiss Mark, and when Dustin makes gagging noises Mark looks up, smirks, and says, “Boyfriend.”

And because she won’t prove Dustin right, she proves him wrong instead. The next time they go out together, the four of them, she is perfectly pleasant and normal and _socially competent_ and whatever. And Dustin stutters and stops mid-sentence every time she says _thank you_ to the waitress, and on the way out she actually bumps into someone on purpose just to be able to say _I’m sorry!_ loud enough for Dustin to hear, and he throws his hand up in the air and says,  
“ _Okay_ , I’ll apologize. Just. Go back to your normal, obnoxious self now, please, because you’re freaking me out.”

Eduardo slaps him upside the head and Mark says, “Really, Wardo?” and instead of replying Eduardo slips his hand in Mark’s and okay, Eduardo knows she’s a girl, and maybe that’s enough.

* * *

Mark is a girl. Mark is a girl, and normally she doesn’t care about this, she really doesn’t think about what gender she is, but once a month she would do pretty much anything to _not_ be a girl because bleeding from your uterus? Yeah, that’s not something she particularly _likes_ to do. And normally it isn’t really that bad, but her body has weird ways of protesting when it thinks she’s not paying it enough attention. Some people get zits, or like weird food cravings or whatever when they’re stressed out but since Mark doesn’t _care_ about zits, and doesn’t really eat, her body reacts in a way that _forces_ her to notice. Mainly by giving her cramps from the deepest pits of Hell.

She’s lying in bed, and she can’t even bring herself up to get her laptop, even though she knows that the heat will be soothing. Just the thought of opening her eyes makes her shut them even tighter because yeah, she’s getting a migraine, and is that even possible? And the painkillers they have in the bathroom don’t work, and she has prescription pills _somewhere_ but she has no idea where and she almost wishes she had worse cramps more often because then she would actually _know_ where the goddamn painkillers _were_.

She really should have seen this coming, because _everything_ that’s attuned to her hormones gets worse when she’s stressed, and she’s been _really_ horny these last few days (not that Wardo’s been complaining) (Chris and Dustin have, though), but she didn’t really and _God_ she is really contemplating just having her ovaries removed because this is not fair.

The universe hates her, obviously, because when she has to go to the bathroom, Chris and Dustin are there, and Dustin actually _shrieks_ when he sees here without pants, and it hurts her head, but to be fair she _is_ wearing her dad’s old _Hard Rock Café_ t-shirt, which goes halfway down her thighs, and she can’t wear pants because it fucking _hurts_ and Dustin should just go and kill himself, right now. She tells him as much (she thinks) and locks the bathroom door and is it possible to drown in the shower? She does actually ponder it for a while, but she doesn’t have the energy to turn on the shower, so she doesn’t.

Because Chris is a sneaky bastard and Eduardo travels at light speed, he enters the suite at the exact same time as she exits the bathroom, and she’s 99% sure it’s because Chris texted him, because Chris’ phone is on the table and Chris isn’t looking at her (though that may be because she’s showing more of her legs than what he’s used to).

Eduardo’s looking at her though, and he looks worried, and he asks, “Mark, are you alright?” because only Eduardo asks questions where the answer is stupidly obvious, and she hopes her glare tells him as much but she isn’t sure, because she _hurts_.

She walks back into her own room and doesn’t even bother closing the door because she knows Eduardo is following. She just crawls back down beneath the covers and curls up and Eduardo comes in and closes the door gently behind him.

“What’s the matter?” he asks and crouches beside the bed and swipes Mark’s hair out of her eyes and presses a kiss on her forehead. “Are you sick?”

Mark tries to shake her head, but it hurts, so she just mutters _cramps_ and hopes that Eduardo’ll get the message. He obviously doesn’t, because he stands up and starts shucking his clothes and- is her boyfriend an idiot?

“Wardo, I’m - ”, she begins, but he crawls into bed behind her and hushes her.

“On your period, yes, I heard,” he says, and lays a tentative hand on her hip. It’s warm and solid and just the right kind of pressure and she moves back a little and he gets the message and scoots forward so that his front is pressed against her back. “It’s not usually this bad though?” he asks, a bit unsure, and she knows he’d hate himself if she told him she was like this once a month and he didn’t know about it. How it would escape him, she didn’t know, but Eduardo isn’t the most rational all times.

“No”, she replies, and then moves his hand from her hip to her stomach and _yeah_ , that’s good. “This makes it better, though”, she says, and she feels his smile against her neck.

“Good”, he says, quietly, and she falls asleep to him rubbing gentle circles on her stomach with his thumb.

* * *

Mark is a girl.

Mark is a girl, and she doesn’t really care about her appearance, and in this world that makes her ugly by default, and that makes her want to not-care more, just for the sake of it, but she’s still a girl, and she doesn’t live in a cave, she lives on the fucking internet, so of course she’s affected by all kinds of media. She knows she’s not pretty, and she knows it’s wrong to feel like that. She doesn’t need to dress up for her CS labs, and she doesn’t need to dress up for Eduardo (he’d rather see her undress), she doesn’t need to, so she doesn’t, and she doesn’t _care_.

Not until. Whatever. But it’s not like she hasn’t _wondered_ herself. Because really, she doesn’t get what Eduardo sees in her. She knows not to behave like a total ass around him, and he laughs at her jokes, so apparently he thinks she’s funny? But he could have someone who’s much better, and funnier, and prettier, and anything (except maybe smarter, but they’re at Harvard, so the standard isn’t really that low in any case) and yet he’s still with _her_ and yes, of course she has wondered about it.

But there are _comments_ in the corridors. Sometimes she wonders if they think she’s deaf just because she’s ugly, because they don’t even lower their voices. And she knows she looks worse than normal, but she _did_ just come down from cramps so bad she threw up, and she didn’t die of it, so they really ought to cut her some slack. She’s allowed to look even more like a ghost if she wants to. They don’t- , it’s not _them_ who look like this, they don’t have to _deal_ with it, so why do they even care, it’s not like they- , and then there’s a _man, I feel **sorry** for Saverin_ and God, Mark really, _really_ hates hormones and what they do to her body because she _will not cry in public goddammit_ and if she walks a little faster than usual to get across campus back to the suite after the lab, well, then that’s nobody’s business.

She goes into her room and closes the door and slides down against it. She rests her head against her knees for a while, and then she fishes out her cell phone and presses speed dial one. Her dad picks up with a “Hey Marcie.”

She nearly sobs but takes a deep breath and says, “Hi dad. Can you just... talk to me?”

Because this is her dad – who let her take fencing but suggested chess when she wanted to try boxing, who calls her when he has to update his email client, who still makes her laugh at the microwave joke she made when she was sixteen, who loves her, who doesn’t care about how she looks, who would do anything for her if she asked – he talks to her. His voice is light and he tells her about his work, his patients, about the new curtains her mother wanted him to help her choose, about Mark’s sister’s kids, he rambles on, and Mark knows he won’t stop until she asks him to. She wants to ask him if he thinks she’ll ever be good enough, but she already knows what he’d say, and he’s not the one whose answer she wants, anyway.

“Thanks, dad”, she says after a while, and her dad falls silent.

“Anytime, Marcie,” he says, solemnly.

“Say hi to mum from me, right?”

“I will.” And then she hangs up, and stares at the bed right in front of her.

* * *

They’re going out tonight, and Eduardo has a test right now and they’re supposed to meet up at the bar, and Mark looks at the time and realizes that she can do this. She wants to be good enough. She wants to be good enough for Eduardo. She doesn’t want him to be ashamed of her or whatever.

Contrary to popular (and Dustin’s) belief, she does know how to dress up. She owns a dress. She owns tight jeans and tops and fitting bras, she just doesn’t like to use them. But she digs them out of her closet, takes a shower, and pulls the clothes on. She doesn’t have a nice body, she knows that, but her sister did help her pick out the clothes, so they _fit_ , and she looks better than usual. She hopes. She really hopes that she looks better than usual, and that people will notice, and then she hates herself for caring what people think, if they notice, or whatever. She dries her hair with a towel, and her sister's words of warning rings through her head when she drags the brush through her wet curls, but she doesn’t have time to wait for them to dry completely. She usually just braids her hair in a loose braid to keep it out of the way, without brushing it first, because she needs to code. So she leaves it loose, and it’s weird, but it’s also different, and she thinks that is a good thing.

She owns makeup, and it’s probably too old, but she’s not planning on using cakes of it for days, so, she’ll be fine. She does the basics, she doesn’t need or want more, and then she’s done. She goes out, and Chris and Dustin are there, playing Mario Kart, but Dustin actually crashes his car when he sees Mark.

“Dude, what the fuck?” he says. “I thought we were just going out?” Mark frowns at him.

“Yeah?” she asks, suddenly uncertain again. “Am I overdressed?”

Dustin eyes her from top to toe and says, “For a normal person, no, but for you, yes, definitely.”

Mark swallows, and because Chris has gay magic super powers he picks up on her emotions and abandons the game in favor of standing up and hugging her. They both know that she doesn’t really like that, but he whispers, “You are very pretty” in her ear.

She swallows again and nods and tries to smile but fails. Chris seems to understand, though, and smiles back and pats her on the arm before he goes to kick Dustin’s ass on one last round before they leave.

Mark even found a pair of ballet flats to use instead of slippers, and they’re actually so comfortable that she’s contemplating using them all the time. They’re waiting for Eduardo outside of the bar, and Mark is so busy lining up the lines on her nearly unused shoes that she doesn’t notice him until his toes are in her vision field. She looks up, and he looks... confused.

“Hi Wardo,” she says, and leans up for a kiss, but he just continues to look at her and she backs off. “What?” she asks. “Did something happen?”

“I don’t know, did it?” he asks back, and he doesn’t sound mad, but it’s not far off. She frowns.

“No?” she says, unsure.

“Are you going somewhere after this? I thought we were just going out, the four of us”, Eduardo says, and now he sounds disappointed, and what, hurt?

“Yeah, we are?” Mark replies, and yeah, she doesn’t usually change clothes, but does jeans and a top make her Cinderella or what’s the deal?

“Then what’s with the dress up?” Eduardo asks, and Mark sees Chris ushering Dustin inside because Chris probably knows where this is going.

“I’m not... these are normal clothes, Wardo,” Mark says, because they are.

“Is that- are you wearing make up?”

“Yeah.”

“Why?”

“Does it matter?”

“Yes! Are you... trying to impress someone? Anyone?” Everyone, Mark thinks, but she only nods. Eduardo’s eyes darken, and whoa, what? “Who?” he demands, and Mark actually takes a step back.

“You”, she says. Eduardo blinks.

“What?”

“You”, she repeats. “I’m... what, did you think I was trying to impress someone else?” He shrugs, and she tries not to feel hurt. “Who would I ever try to impress besides you? You are the only one I _need_ to impress, Wardo! You are the only one on this school who knows why you’re still with me, even _I_ don’t know.”

And yeah, maybe that part wasn’t supposed to come out, and she definitely regrets it now when he stares at her, because now is probably the time when he’ll _think_ about why he’s still with her, and he’ll figure out that he can do better, because he can, because he always can.

“Mark...” he says, and she closes her eyes, because she doesn’t want to look at him when he says it, but then he’s suddenly wrapped around her in a warm embrace and he’s kissing her neck and she is startled for a second but then she tentatively wraps her arms around his waist.

And apparently Eduardo can read minds, because the next thing he says, in a kind of rough voice, is, “Don’t ever think you’re not good enough for me.”

Mark doesn’t really know what to do with that, so she just continues to hug him.

Eduardo takes them back to his dorm, and when Mark tries to protest and say that Chris and Dustin are waiting for them, he brushes her off with a, “They will understand.”

Yeah, she knows that Chris will, and that’s enough. When they’re inside of his dorm room, he pushes her gently at the bathroom and says, “Wash your face.”

He starts to unbutton his clothes. Mark doesn’t take long, apparently almost everything was non-waterproof, so she only needs a little bit of soap, and then she dries her face on a towel and goes back out in the bedroom.

“Now what?” she asks, and he hands her one of his t-shirts because he knows she hates sleeping naked.

“Change,” he says. She does. He has seen it all before, so she doesn’t try to hide anything, and she doesn’t miss the way he licks his lips. He’s down to his boxers and his unbuttoned shirt and when she’s done he walks over to her and cradles her face. He rubs his thumbs against her cheeks, and smiles.

“Better”, he says softly, and then he takes her to bed.

He lowers her gently on the sheets and strokes her thighs and when her breath gets stuck in her throat (because this is _Wardo_ and his hands on her body will never _not_ be breathtaking) he glances up at her, “You’re off your period, right?”

It’s not because _he_ has a problem with it (which is like, weird, but okay, whatever) but because she has, but it doesn’t matter now, because yes, and she nods and he smiles. “Good.”

He leans up across her body and presses himself against her to kiss her and she can’t control the moan that escapes her when she feels his erection against her thigh.

“Yeah”, he mutters against her lips. “This is because of you.” And he presses light kisses against her lips, cheeks, eyelids, hairline, ears and oh, yeah, her neck and she squirms and fucking _whimpers_ and he smiles against her skin. “I love you”, he whispers, his breath against the wet spots on her skin making her shiver. “All of you.” Another kiss, lick and _oh fuck it_ a bite against her neck and then “I think you’re beautiful” and he skims his hands down her body and in under her t-shirt and up again, now against her skin, light, tickly touches, and yeah, she whimpers again. His thumbnails graces her nipples and she arches up because her body is so very sensitive right now and he knows this and he’s taking full advantage of it. He presses his crotch against her again and breathes into her hear, "Can you feel my point?"

She nods, jerkily. She does, she really, really does, and she doesn’t really _understand_ it, but if he’s fine with this, with her, then she’s not one to complain. She will, however, complain if he doesn’t _proceed_ soon. She manages a breathy  
“ _Wardo_ ”, and she feels him fucking _grin_ against the neckline of her (his) shirt and he pushes the shirt up to her armpits and starts to kiss his way down her body.

And she understands where he’s going with this whole worship thing, but she’s _horny_ and if he doesn’t get _on_ with it soon she’ll probably put her knee against his crotch, although that would probably be really counterproductive but _what-fucking-ever_ he’s torturing her and she can’t think straight. When he finally, _finally_ puts his hand against the now moist spot on her underwear she moans, loud and presses herself up against his fingers.

“ _Wardo_ ”, she moans again, and she wants to beg but she knows that’s what he wants but she won’t do it, not yet, but this is really starting to feel like torture and if he could just _move_ and then he _does_ move, rubbing his thumb against her clit through the cotton and fucking hell he knows just how and when and where to touch her and _press her fucking buttons_. He leans up to kiss her again, and his erection is pressed against her hip and his hand is still on her, and, just  
“ _Please_ ”, and that is all it takes for him to quickly shed her underwear and put his fingers _in_ her and _yes, finally_.

Her boyfriend is really, _really_ good at this and it doesn’t take him long to have her panting at his mercy. She moans and tries to make him go _deeper_ but he doesn’t and she tries another  
“ _Please_ ”, but it doesn’t get her anything but another kiss and she can feel him leaking through his boxers against her leg and he asks, “Do you get it? I love you Mark.”

He twists his fingers and she has to bite down on her lip to keep herself from _screaming_ and he really is _stupid_ and she takes a breath deep enough to be able to reply with a sarcastic

“No, I don’t get it, can you give me a _harder_ demonstration?” and tries to buckle her hips to both get his fingers deeper inside her and brush up against his cock and she obviously manages to do _something_ right when it’s Eduardo’s turn to bite his lip and breathe hard through his nose. But he’s stubborn, or determined, or whatever, _what-the-fuck-ever_ , so he won’t just fuck her yet, but instead twists his fingers again and leans to graze his teeth on her clavicle and she’s _done_ for. She breathes heavily and slumps against the sheets, but he won’t stop touching her, and okay, _now_ he has no problem touching her? He lays down beside her (still with his fingers _inside_ her goddammit) and his fringe is plastered against his forehead and he still has his shirt on, and it’s damp, but it’s for her benefit because he knows how hot she thinks it is and will he _ever_ stop moving his fingers?

“Seriously, Wardo”, she pants, and he smirks and grazes her clit with his thumb and _fucking hell_ and then he crawls down and sets himself between her legs and bends down and _licks_ and yeah, okay, he’s playing dirty and she wants to hate him but he’s giving her orgasms, as in plural, and that is a very weird thing to hate someone for, so she doesn’t. And then he rises up on his knees, and leaves her alone for two seconds, and the breeze of cooler air feels good but she still feels _empty_. He sheds his boxers, but when he tries to go for the shirt Mark shakes her head and he raises an eyebrow but leaves it on. Then he reaches for the condoms in the night stand and _yes, please_. He slides in easily and her legs goes around his waist like autopilot and yeah. They could do this forever, and she would never write another line of code in her life.

Mark is a girl, and when she can come three times in one night, she doesn’t mind.

**end**

**Author's Note:**

> Sooo girl!Mark? I know she’s pretty OOC compared to movie!boy!Mark, but I feel like, what’s the point with switching gender if you don’t actually let them _be_ that gender? I don’t like reading genderswap where the pronoun is pretty much interchangeable, so I tried to actually make a girl out of Mark, but at the same time trying to maintain his/her obnoxiousness and without playing too much with cemented gender roles. But I’m just... I really don’t know, about this. I’m quite satisfied with it, but I don’t know if it’s any good in the terms of fanfiction? Anyway. If you read this far and didn’t hate it, thank you  <3


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